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Big Cat Vs. Bigger Snake?
By Ed Williams, Sat Dec 10th
I just saw something on TV that really blew me away.... That’s unusual coming from me, as I don’t even watch very muchTV these days, so the odds that I would be watching somethingthat would totally floor me are just about zero. Despite that,I’m here to tell y’all that I just watched a TV program thatalmost made me come up out of my chair... I hate to admit that I can’t even remember the name of it as Iwas watching it at 3 am this morning (I have really weirdsleeping habits, and let‘s just leave it at that). I want to saythat it was something like “Animal Kingdom Match-Up,” orwhatever. The show had a very basic premise - what would happenif you took two different species from the animal kingdom andmatched them up against each other? Which would win? I thoughtit was pretty creative, but what cinched it for me was the twospecies they said they were about to match up, a tiger and ananaconda!
A tiger and an anaconda - talk about the Super Bowl of animalkingdom match-ups! For a kid that grew up like I did watchingall kinds of nature programs, this was something amazing,intriquing, and incredible all rolled up into one. And itappeared that they were going to literally match them up and letthem fight it out right there on the air! Think about it the twocombatants... A tiger - lightning fast, armed with razor sharp claws thatcould take a man’s arm off in one swipe, and a bite that couldquickly send someone to the promised land. A cat weighinghundreds of pounds that will not hesitate to attack anythingthat he feels may be threatening him. An anaconda - one of the largest in the world, they cangrow upwards to thirty feet, and can be a foot wide across themiddle. They’re so large that they can swallow whole specieslike alligators, cows, or even humans. They kill their victimsby wrapping coils around them and constricting (squeezing todeath) them. And if all of this isn’t bad enough, an anacondahas a large head with razor sharp fangs, if one bites youpulling it off is nearly impossible. It’s safe to
say that a fight between these two species would besomething along the lines of King Kong vs. Godzilla, and, ifanything, that might be low keying it. The announcer proceededto raise my anticipation level even more when he startedhandicapping the fight. He said that if the anaconda was able tobite the tiger’s head that it was all over, that this wouldenable the giant snake to hold the tiger and quickly wrap acouple of coils around him. On the other hand, a tiger is soquick that it possibly could avoid the strike of the anaconda.If that happened, the tiger’s jaws or claws would be enough todo serious damage to the snake. It was then noted that a coupleof bites to the snake would probably kill it from just infectionalone. Man, after hearing all that, I can tell y‘all that I waswide awake and ready to watch the animal kingdom fight of thecentury! Do y’all want to know who won? I hate to have to tell y‘allthis, but they didn’t actually match up a live anaconda andtiger. What they did was assign a team of experts to build amechanical anaconda and tiger. I guess they were concerned thatthe animal rights people would be on their butts if they stageda real fight, and I‘m sure they were right about that. Honestly,though, I lost interest in the program when I discovered that areal fight was not in the cards. Maybe I’d have to sum it uplike this - watching a fight between a mechanical tiger and amechanical anaconda would be about as interesting as watchingthe prettiest female stripper in the world put on more clothesas her background music was playing. Some things in this worldhave to be real to mean something, and that definitely holds fortrue for a battle between an anaconda vs. a tiger. Man, justthink, if we could’ve gotten a real fight goin’ with MarlinPerkins in there with ‘em both as the special guest referee.... About the author:Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by callingRiver City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also apopular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number ofSoutheastern publications. You can contact him via email at:ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at:www.ed-williams.com.
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